


Designated Riddler

by Amuly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drunkenness, Grinding, Humor, M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-12
Updated: 2011-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-04 00:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus get drunk and wonder how similarly drunken Ravenclaws get into their dorms after a night out. Then, they decide to try it for themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Designated Riddler

Remus' entire body felt veritably _hot_ , pressed up where it was against every inch of Sirius'. Remus' breath on his ear was hot, his arm around Sirius' waist was hot, his thighs looped over Sirius' were hot. “Sir-us,” Remus slurred, butterbeer-moistened lips tickling Sirius' ear as he spoke. “Sir-us... we should _do_ something.”

Sirius swallowed, trying to adjust Remus' thighs on his lap and relieve some of the pressure against his groin. There was no way either of them was going to make it through effective sexual intercourse in the state they were in, so there was really no point in Sirius getting aroused. Sirius might be a sight better off than Remus, but even so, he wouldn't trust himself to try and shove his cock into a narrow passage and then maintain any semblance of a rhythm. Still, it was hard not to grow aroused with Remus in such close proximity, his smell and heat and skin surrounding Sirius on the couch in the common room.

“What're you thinking?” he finally ventured. Sirius peered down at Remus' face, trying to bring it into focus enough to figure out what sort of mischievous ideas might be rattling around inside Remus' head. 

“Dunno... something... hey!” Sirius had to move quickly to keep Remus from falling out of his lap and onto the floor as Remus surged forward, face bright with an idea. “You remember David? Ryan? David Ryan?”

Sirius gritted his teeth. “That Ravenclaw tosser who asked you out last Valentine's Day?”

Remus giggled against Sirius. Personally, Sirius didn't find anything funny about that. They had been going out for  _two years_ when that David asked Remus out. Not that anyone besides James and Pete (and probably Lily, that crafty bird)  _knew_ that... but still. Remus was  _his_ . And the fact that David had tried to mug Remus with his mouth in the asking hadn't helped Sirius' opinion of the boy.

“Yeah, I know. But, listen, listen, listen, Pads!” With every “listen” Remus tugged himself further upright in Sirius' lap, peering eagerly down into his eyes.

“You're not going to suggest a threesome, are you? Because I _told_ you, I'm only willing to go at it with those Prewett twins, and even then I don't like the idea of anyone fucking you but me.”

Again, Remus shook his head viciously, hands clutching to the collar of Sirius' partially- unbuttoned uniform shirt. “No. Before David asked me out, we were chatting, and he said the password to Ravenclaw isn't a password. It's a riddle. And I was thinking...”

Sirius' eyes lit up as his slightly-sloshed brain registered what Remus was getting at. “D'you reckon you could break in? Or me? I bet we could do it, Moony. That's right brilliant!” 

Remus laughed, burying his face in Sirius' neck and mouthing wetly at his skin. Sirius shivered and shifted, again trying to stamp out his arousal. He should know better than try and control his penis when Remus was lying so gorgeously bladdered on top of him. Next time he'd remember not to drink as much and just take advantage of his sloppily drunken boyfriend. 

“We should try!” Remus' nose was warm where he rubbed it back and forth over Sirius' neck. “We should, Pads. Want to go try? Please?”

Although Sirius was drunk, he hadn't figured himself for  _that_ drunk. But Remus' idea sounded absolutely brilliant to him in the moment, and so before he knew it they were sneaking through the Hogwarts' halls, giggling even as they tried to shush each other's giggles. 

After an extensive walk Sirius couldn't really remember, due to stolen kisses and gropes and the alcohol still thrumming through his veins, Sirius and Remus found themselves at the base of Ravenclaw tower, staring at a very bored looking door. “Hullo?” Sirius asked the door.

“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?” 

Sirius blinked. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Remus blink as well. “What?”

“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?”

Sirius turned to Remus. “I think that's the riddle.”

“We're supposed to answer that?” Remus squeaked. Sirius burst out laughing at the expression on Remus' face: it was the same Peter would get when McGonagall would ask him to do a demonstration for the class in Transfiguration – disbelieving, terrified, and utterly baffled.

“Which came first: the phoenix or the egg?”

Sirius looked helplessly at Remus. “Take a guess?”

“The egg?”

“Incorrect!” The door boomed, then fell silent.

Sirius waited a moment for the door to pose another question, but none was forthcoming. He glanced at Remus, who shrugged. “Excuse me?” Sirius ventured.

“I'm bigger than an elephant but lighter than a feather. What am I?”

Sirius frowned. At least the Fat Lady talked back. This door was like some sort of muggle machine: all impersonal and pure business. He turned to Remus again.

“Erm... don't you have a guess?” Remus pleaded. Sirius shook his head. [He was much too drunk to try and figure these odd little puzzles out.](http://mypretty-art.livejournal.com/11552.html) A simple spell: sure. A game of exploding snap: why not? But riddles? Sirius couldn't get his fuzzy brain to focus enough to try and solve _riddles_ , of all things.

Remus turned to the door, shrugging helplessly. “The way my head feels right now?”

“Incorrect!” Again, the door fell silent.

With a growl of frustration, Sirius kicked at the door. No response. “Sod this!” Sirius shouted. “How d'you reckon Ravenclaws get in when they're pissed?”

“Maybe they're just smarter than us? They can get in no matter how smashed they are?”

Sirius waved away Remus' suggestion. “That's rubbish. No one's smarter than you, Moony. And I'm top of the class as it is. There's no way the two of us together aren't as smart as a bladdered Ravenclaw.”

“ _Gryffindors_.” Sirius and Remus jumped into each other's arms, heads darting around wildly as they looked for the new male voice. The source was a Ravenclaw boy who had just walked up behind them. His arms were crossed over his chest, foot tapping irritably as he looked down on them with disdain.

In that single word the boy's voice managed to convey  _exactly_ the amount of contempt he held their house in. Sirius mustered a vaguely scowly look, or rather, he thought he might have. Perhaps it was just an out of sync blink. In fact, the latter seemed much more likely. The boy continued. “We're  _Ravenclaws_ . Don't you think we figured this out ages ago?”

Sirius blinked, slowly turning to Remus. His boyfriend just blinked back, left eye staying closed as he considered the Ravenclaw's question.

“Maybe?” Remus ventured.

Pursing his lips in an almost McGonagall like fashion, the boy continued: “We always have a designated riddler when we go out to the pub. That way, there's always someone who can answer and get us in.”

Sirius' mouth fell into a tight “o” as the boy spoke. That  _did_ make a sort of perfectly Ravenclaw amount of sense. Seemed like a waste of a night out for a mate, but still. Made sense. 

“Aren't you a prefect, Lupin?”

Remus' eyes lit up as he stared more closely at the boy. “Oh! Trevor! Hey.”

Trevor stared at them a beat more. Remus' eyes widened and he nodded hurriedly.

“Right! Sorry. We'll be on our way.”

Snatching a hand out to grab at Sirius' collar, Remus dragged him away from the Ravenclaw door and down the stairs. They stumbled back to Gryffindor tower together, saying their password with easy relief. When they reached their dormitory, Sirius pulled Remus to his bed and started divesting them of clothing, limbs getting stuck along the way. He grinned into Remus' neck, licking a long stripe there and feeling the way Remus arched up beneath him. 

Just as Sirius was thinking maybe they _weren't_ too drunk, he felt Remus go still beneath him. Lifting his head, he found Remus' eyes closed, mouth opened slightly and little snores drifting out. With a sigh Sirius shucked the last of his clothes and pulled the duvet up around them, snuggling into Remus' comatose arms. Maybe the Ravenclaws were onto something: this whole designated something or other sounded like a good idea. And not just for riddles.  
  
  
[](http://myprettycabinet.livejournal.com/profile)[ **myprettycabinet**](http://myprettycabinet.livejournal.com/) made me [art](http://mypretty-art.livejournal.com/11552.html)!!! Because she is the bestest!!! :DDDD  


 


End file.
